Convo with subconscious

 Maybe we would never be happy. Maybe the things that we always envisioned for ourselves would never get fulfilled to an extent we thought it could be.  I know it's really poingant to say any person that thing and unfortunately these are the bitter truths that are hard to  swallow maybe they might even kill you ( obviously at a metaphysical level). But one should be always cognizant about this. It's always good to better yourself but in what context, that no one tells us. Probably nobody has answer to that because most of them never felt good about there life and themselves and always strived to become better versions of themselves there whole life until nature shown them it's worst form. Only few people are at peace with themselves and there reality, but who are they. Are they celebrities, rich billionaires or a person high on physecedelics. This question always bothered me I wanted to find the answers but I couldn't get. Many questions were surging within me. I wanted to know the fundamental reason of been happy and why it's necessary, what is succes and been better version of yourself, is it even worth it. I couldn't find this answers and hence I began this quest of discovery from myself and introspected upon my life but soon I realised it was all futile as I wasted all my life in search of the very thing I was researching on in different ways by pursuing higher degrees, by enjoying with my family, engaging in relationship with opposite gender .But nothing made me truly what I could remember was those tiny bits of moments where I felt pleasurable but then it fizzled out like a trail blaze. Maybe happiness doesn't exist it's just a state of mind where influx of dopamine makes us feel pleasurable. Then what are all those abstract concepts poet and writers talk about. Are they even real. What would be state where one can't feel anything and can immerse themselves into the joy of oblivion knowing the fact that living in this world implicitly means to be subjected to constant changes where one will feel something or the other always distracting oneself from the oblivion. Maybe meditation could work but as far as I remember I tried it but I felt that kinda of joy but it was temporary. Maybe the way with which we interact with reality could change everything. I have read stoic philosophy and I understood the way with we could life happily by not seeking neither joy nor misery that inevitably comes with it. But somehow I can't manifests all this principles into my mundane life. I lack that vision l,that frivolity with which one should look at there life to seek that hapiness. That drive of been extremely successful always make me run on that wide circular treadmill like a rat. I fear that achieving even highest of success would make me feel dissatisfied with life after long also the fear that it would instill in my life to maintain it give me chills. You might have heard of so many successful people commiting suicides for no apparent reason many of them are posed as murder mysteries to people. Sometimes I think  that they deliberately do it  just to attribute  success with hapiness so that they could  smoothly run there game of capitalism. But I think it's something different atleast in

 accordance to what I observed in my life. Maybe accepting happiness with it's supposedly inmical counterpart would contrive a way to seek happiness. But that's what stoic philosophy somewhat tries to preach in an ironically different way by abandoning happiness and misery both. Honestly speaking I don't know the answer I am too young to figure it out myself. Maybe you might have one suggest me in your comments.