TRIP INTO THE ABYSS

Trying out different things one gets confused about everything. Possibilities sprouting out like like a breath of gigantic monster of the deep seas. Everybody trying to impose their own presumptions and presuppositions. Trying to navigate a way to reach the shore where this ordeal would end. Everyone's trying to pretend that they don't know about the monstrosity that's hidden deep within the seas. Lurking around us trying to remind us by constantly casting miseries and troubles. It's really a race I realized. Between the hastiness of the hunger and desperation to the know the truth of the shore amongst all the clutters. Why we are here I always ask? Where we are marching towards ?What is this ocean Who is the monster? I ask. My voice echoes through the whole landscape piercing and melting glaciers. I try to look at the haze surrounding all of us. Everybody seems unclear and distorted but their voices are still echoing. They are trying to guide me they say amidst the chaos, always trying to rescue me.  I lend them my hands as I was slipping onto the sea at the edge of my seat . Looking down the sea I see the monster's eye gleaming he was ready to devour me silently waiting for me to enter into his world which he rules. I was panicking no clue of my existence I saw many people rushing towards me trying to hold my hands stopping me to enter into the world of monstrosity. They raised me after all. Sometimes I felt it was all a hoax after all as though somebody has planted this into our heads. Many days passed by I always used to think maybe there is something that transcends all this terror I thought to myself as I was wavering the flag of my ship . " Do your work properly somebody shouted from below you are disorienting everything".  " But it's just a flag" I murmured to myself maybe it would be having an integral functionality hell I don't even know how this dam thing works at first place everybody ties to instruct and performing all the duties religiously I go on with the flow I thought to myself. Many days went by being unaware of everything I started to hallucinate I didn't have any ideas where I was crashing through the cold rugged icebergs splashing into the deep oceans being engulfed by the monster. Interestingly I saw a deep void as he engulfed me as though Its a portal to the oblivion being misdirected into different dimensions of time and space I found myself being juggled and played by infinitive casting me on different strands of possibilities and realities after a while everything seemed to dissolve into the unknown I couldn't distinguish myself from the reality now maybe this was the shore everybody was talking about  but unfortunately I  always returned at the same place, same moment where I was at the verge of drowning and looked at the eyes of the monster with every encounter his eyes started to widen, his eyes started to look more deep as a whole world is encompassed into it's eye. Distance between use started to shrink apparently soon I realized that there was nothing under my control. All the supposed actions that I was performing was rather inconsequential and trivial. Numbness started to drape my body making me more and more indifferent from the rest of all gradually entering into his world I started to see a white shore being splashed by dark waters into his eyes. His body started to fall apart just like the very construct of reality where we were presiding in. The two eye balls converged and formed a shore I was falling into his eyes could clearly see the shore only to realize it was all a hoax as the black seas enveloped the whole beach forming a deep abyss. Everything stopped after that moment clear peace and silence. Then I saw a young girl walking besides me she enlightened the whole abyss into her color. "Who are you? I asked hesitantly as she seemed a bit assertive and dominant from the way she was looking at me. " It doesn't matter she said we are here to get out of this darkness together I may seem bit intimidating and may cast my anger and wrath on you but trust me it's all going to be worth it". I tried to ask her more doubts about all this weird things that were happening to me but as soon as I started to say something she came near me and put her finger on my lips. That touch it was electrifying it shook me to the core to an extent where I wasn't even able to utter a single word thereby. She tried to devise some methods to find a way to get us out of that . Making me work hard trying to inflict excruciating pain on me with her each command but somehow we were at the verge of getting out of it.

  Coming out of a deep abyss of guilt and resentment towards myself and the world around. Why our relationship is so bad I wonder, she never listens to me. never ever tries to understand me. The pain which makes me more lively. Constantly reminding me reminding me about each and every moment as it slips through my hands. Even though I am losing it still I feel that something is coming from my spine making me more jovial  and blissed out being unabashed by everybody around me as they are busy in their futile chase but I am racing against myself, racing against time, racing against infinitive. But she is constantly bring some mundane stuff back to me which seems so trivial. I ask her ' Why? I have being doing this most of my life ,what new things are you making me learn. Do you still think that all these things are going to satiate my thirst . Hell no. It provided me with basics which I am really glad of but I want to move on now . Towards a new journey, new mountains, even though it would be capable of killing me but still that sudden jolt of end would be more pleasing than this obscure unreal conformity. Honestly speaking I don't know where this weird idea of breaching the regularity came for initially i was never fond of it'  

She interjected and said " And here we are fighting with each other arguing like anything . I just wanted to ask you one simple question. Do you want to do something extraordinary just to be famous and create your legacy or you are doing it for some other strange reasons."

" I don't know probably it might be one of the contributing reason for my enigmatic wishes. Not just that this whole damn thing is coming from a place of boredom , thrill ,frivolity, naivety , resentment and envy "I  said.

" Wait you just said resentment and envy. I can understand other reasons but what about resentment and envy. As far as i remember you were treated rather fairly by a lot of people.. "

We were conversing about various topics for a while at that very moment I seemingly lost cognizance of the time. A ray of life emerged out of the deep abyss.  It looked as though a bunch of multi layered fountain of waters were sprouting resembling a rainbow as the light started to split itself into various colors. It sprinkled our faces. Wait what this was supposed to be light how come its characteristic features altered. I moved by back sideways and looked at her surprisingly there was no one where are everybody where I am it was supposed to be a beautiful garden that is what she promised me as we paved our way through the abyss. But now nobody is besides me the garden, scenic beauty, fountains but now I am sitting besides a cliff of a plateau . I moved my hands back and forth making sense of the place I am in. I can feel somebody's hand besides me I woke up and saw an old lady besides me . Looking at the clock making sense of the time . Looking around the nooks and crannies of the room . Making sense of my reality. At a seemingly distant edge of the room I saw a room it seemed like a gateway to me to probably exit from this reality and enter into a new one. But I didn't wanted to get out from this reality it really felt more warming and comforting unlike others . A fire place spreading it's warmth over the whole room there was a rocking chair besides it. The room was beautifully decorated all the eclectic furniture pieces made this reality more home like seeing a lady sleeping besides me on the bed oddly she seemed like my mom. Although I don't remember where I was from but still it all felt like my home maybe it was my home , probably I was stuck in a long lucid dream. I saw a study table  besides a lamp which was rather turned off near the bed. Why didn't I saw it earlier I wondered to myself maybe I was too sleepy I went near the table opened all the drawers beneath it and checked everything in it. Mostly it was empty but I saw some strange books and diaries as I further investigated opening each book and reading its content I started to figure out everything as though it unraveled everything as I wanted it to as though I was its writer. Eventually recollecting everything that made me pass through the layers of my subconscious mind. I wanted to know more about it and hence started to practice it regularly eventually achieving a state where I immersed myself into this obscure reality still many questions were still unanswered . I didn't knew my name, my age only a hint about my family was primarily available to me.  I went near my mom and started to wake her. First I pushed her arms a bit, screamed a bit. But nothing was waking her up probably she was in a deep sleep. I looked at the clock it was 4;33 am at that time. I wanted to wake her up somehow but couldn't devise a way to do so. But surprisingly I saw a glass of water near the table. Fortunately all the things were falling perfectly I took some water and sprinkled on her but still she was not waking up it really frightened me for a while . I took her hand and started to check her pulse it was not beating my hands started to tremble I could here the sound of shore am I near a beach I wondered but gazing at the window I saw a street . Maybe it was flooding I ran towards the window and confirmed this belief of mine fortunately it came true to but still I was not able to wake my mother I placed my hands in front of her nose and realized that she was not breathing she was dead. The glass of water fell from my hands I rushed towards the door pushed it and fell into the same abyss which I was frightened to enter back into but this time I saw a sight of light at the other end of abyss giving me hope to finally get out of it but a sense of despair was still prevalent seeing my realities getting demolished one by one I started to loose my hopes on finding my true one. A sense of gloom tormented I felt like a prostitute being fucked by strangers day in and day out without my will not claiming anyone truly mine. But gradually one peep of light turned into a big hole engulfing me into him. I closed my eyes only to open and close it again . But this time I found myself on the same ship which I was complaining to leave.

 For the first time I saw myself  my hands were pierced with holes I could see my whole body drenched in water behind my back I could see people holding my hands as though they saved me from drowning onto the sea they took to me too a resting center where they took care of me for the first time I felt this place too be the authentic one where I truly belong too. I tried too open many doors was always anticipating to get this reality demolished but nothing of that sort happened simultaneously I tried to converse with many people they seemed very pleasant and cordial having a brief discussion with everyone I finally started to feel satiated with a sense of sigh and relief I finally started to live my life they taught me chores and daily operations to maintain the ship but strangely no one was clearly telling me about the usage of ship like what was their main job why it really existed. They tried to state different but it was incoherent for me. Also questions regarding my origin was still unanswered . For them it was still a mystery. After staying there for a while I was deported back to a location which I was unfamiliar with for obvious reasons. They took me there from a strange fast moving mobile water boat from a distance it appeared like an island of some sort. I reached there and then shockingly I was immediately beaten with a rod I felt down the ground and kneeled A tough husky guy with a maroon uniform came near me and inserted a chip on my brain by sticking one edge of the rod on my forehead I couldn't even resist as I was almost paralyzed by the beating. As soon as the chip was inserted on my head I started to again loose my sense the whole reality again demolished in front of my own eyes this time a humongous wave of  black water submerging the whole landscape I teared down I cried it seemed as though this whole reality was submerging under my tears which came from my anger, frustration and gloom . Once again I found myself into the same abyss.

But this time everything was static. I was not able to feel anything not a propulsion, not falling, not a single poke of light dimmed the whole darkness. Everything was quite and peaceful maybe this was my final destination I wondered to myself. Making myself comfortable I started to finally accept it but then I heard a voice  " No sir , it's just the beginning of your ordeal" .  I interjected and angrily screamed " why me?". The scream was so loud that it pierced the dark paving a way for  a ray of light to enter into the darkness this time I could see some people looking at me but it was hazy and indistinct  as I glanced over the poorly stitched oblivion. " What are you looking at sir this congratulation you are getting out of comma and remember it's not us who brought you here it's your unwillingness to live that led you instead". I started to open my eyes and saw everyone gazing at me with affection and love.