Musings of the dark

 I am grateful, there are many things in my life that I hate, many thing which distress me, make me feel weak and timid, there are somedays where I punch myself in fact once I broke the mirror that reflected me. Extreme rivalry prevails in my heart for myself and the world. I don't have any reason to do so in particular reminiscing the times where I was bullied and mocked at for my each and every mistake. From my way of speaking, to physique, to hygiene that belonged to me were despised. That's why my body turned to corpse whenever I used to enter school. Each day passed by as days of comma. Been segregated and indifferent from everybody. The whole premise seemed like a hunting forest for me and I pretended to be dead so nobody would hunt me. I started to rot myself so that nobody could even come closer to me. Hence I spend my splendid time with my inner self  we used to talk about dreams and philosophies and any utterance of the outer world shrieked me, annoyed me. Many time I casted my wrath and frustration on my poor mom she was only person who intended to listen to me and treated me well but hell I was tyrant for her, always troubling her , making her weep to fulfil my whims." I am sorry mom" this was my ritual I used to religiously practice making sure that I make her aware that all these things are done my vindictive alter ego who wanted vengeance from all those people who troubled me. But being a weak person was never able to confront those bastards always complying with them, never having guts to give them a fist. It took my mother's ashes to sweep away their dismal attitude towards me but still that bitter feeling prolonged till this day. I think that's the reason for me loving unconventional things which seldomly people engage into. Honestly speaking I hate people and always had bitter feelings towards them , I don't show them as such, always faking a smile but inside I just want to stab them. I hate myself for that although recently people are speaking modestly to me but I never know when things would go south reincarnating horrors that afflicts me to this day. My father says that I am selfish and I believe that. There's a reason why I never connected with people the only relation that I had with them was of contempt. That's why I prefer myself over others as I never found someone worth sacrificing for. I am bitter and hollow from inside and know that but what should I do about it. I started to pay gratitude to my family for keeping me sane all this while without them I could have withered off into dust making people cry by penetrating into their eyes. But because of them I am here isolated and secluded contemplating my life and committing homicides within my mental head space.